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Tips for a Biblical Marriage
• Keep God FIRST! (Exodus 20:3; Matthew 6:33)
• Pray together and for each other (1 Timothy 2:1)
• Make decisions together. (Ephesians 5:21)
• Respect and honor each other! (1 Peter 3:6-7; Romans 12:10; Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 2:3; Colossians 4:6; Malachi 2:15)
• Encourage each other to grow together! (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11)
• Read the Bible together as much as possible! (1 Timothy 4:16; 2 Timothy 2:15; 2 Timothy 4:14-16)
• Be swift to hear & slow to speak! (James 1:19)
• Practice forgiveness. (Matthew 6:14-15; Luke 6:37)
• Make time to communicate with each other! (Malachi 2:15; 1 Corinthians 7:5; Ephesians 5:19)
• Make time for romance and dating. (1 Corinthians 7:33-34; Ecclesiastes 9:9)
• Protect and honor your marriage vows! (Proverbs 5:15-21)
• Do not let others come between your marriage! (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6)
• Thank God everyday for your mate and the Life you have together! (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
• Understand that love is a choice, not a feeling and choose everyday to love your spouse (Ephesians 5:25-33)
“Evangelicals who attend church regularly divorce at a rate 35 percent lower than secular couples.” -W. Bradford Wilcox1
PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
From a Child's Perspective
A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and just fine. "They took a picture of my bones." she told her mother.
"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"
"Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take my skin off, or anything!"
Scenes from a Parking Lot
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"
Gotta' Be Country to Understand
The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.
"Forty dollars."
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."
"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, "I figer if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."
An arrogant Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"
For Fence Straddlers
There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.
The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan.
This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.
But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.
As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me."
"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him."
"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence."
First Day on the Job
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn't mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”
Time for the Diet
A man had gained a few pounds and had difficulty getting into his favorite pair of jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, he asked his wife, “Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?”
“No, dear, not at all,” she replied, “Our house isn't blue.”
Pearls of Wisdom
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.
Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts
Basic Training
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn't really do that, did you?”
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
For New Parents
“DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID - Think about it…”
The Dieter's Prayer Lord, grant me the strength, That I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
The road to hell is paved with butter, Cake is cursed, cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of Hollandaise, Of pasta and mayonnaise,
And crisp fried chicken from the South.
If you love me, Lord, shut my mouth Family Affection "Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"Okay, honey, but you should know that your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
1 2006. “The Cultural Contradictions of Mainline Family Ideology and Practice.” In American Religions and the Family, edited by Don Browning and David Clairmont. New York: Columbia University Press.
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